Three nights ago, I had a really a long dream. You know, one of those dreams that takes you from one place to another and you meet all these people but none of it really makes any sense?
At one point of the dream, it was Hari Raya. A flashback of this year’s. I remember cuz my family was wearing this year’s outfits. We were apparently on our way to the western side of the country to visit some relatives and when we pulled up at the parking lot, it seemed like the entire block was celebrating as well.
We walked past this one apartment on the ground floor and there he was, in his favourite emerald green baju kurung top, his grey pants, and sturdy black songkok; my late grandad.
He was hanging around near the gates with three, maybe four other men around his age, all sporting similar outfits, all taking drags from their cigarettes. He was looking right at me as I walked towards the apartment, as if he already knew I’d be coming. He smiled his signature grin, revealing the gap in the corner of his gums and waved. I waved back, smiled, completely aware that my late grandad shouldn’t be here and yet, I didn’t approach him. We gave each other acknowledging nods before he turned to his friends to resume the banter and I quickened my steps to keep up with my parents who were already ahead.
He looked so happy. Happier than I’ve seen him in the past years. He was even smoking, which is weird since he kicked the habit way before I was born, but somehow it’s so assuring to know that he can actually smoke, without breaking out in a fit of coughs or having his asthma attack. He was with his friends, those he hasn’t seen in years, all due to the sole fact that they passed on earlier than him. And he wasn’t wearing his glasses! My grandad was practically blind without his glasses and yet he’s there completely independent from those lenses.
Maybe this was his way of showing me that he’s doing alright up there. That I shouldn’t be crying all the time the moment the smallest thought of him creeps up on me. It’s been a month since he left and I’m still in a huge mess. Not having him around makes me really sick and uneasy. But he’s alright on that side. I hope.